RedGage

As with most behavioral problems, the causes and prevention are theory.  This is just that - A Theory of what causes Narcissistic Behaviors.  A Theory of how to prevent Narcissistic behaviors.  I have made it my life’s work to be a people watcher.  I’m not sure where it began but I believe it was during my young adult years when I took a college course in Psychology.  Back then Psychology was fairly simplistic, of course I could have delved deeper into it, but the College I attended just covered the basics.  I was a young mother and Divorcee` who was trying to earn a degree to make a better life for her child.  The field of Psychology interested me greatly, since my ‘ex’ was an easily labeled ‘Sociopath’.  With that knowledge I could understand why our marriage didn’t work, and why it wasn’t my fault.With some basic knowledge of Psychology riding at the forefront I began to watch people and their behaviors.  First with the people around me, then friends, from there acquaintances.  It was a field I’d hoped to dig further into.  Alas, it was not to happen.  I became pregnant with my second son and my dreams took a back burner to raising my children.  Yet I didn’t allow that to stop my mind from growing and watching those around me.The first person with whom I encountered obvious Narcissistic Behaviors was to become my second husband.   In Psychology this was slightly discussed, but never really dug into deeply.  If I had known he had this would I have married him?  That is one of those ‘what if’ questions I will never really know the answer to.  Because of the infancy of Psychology at that time, I probably would have.  Only living with someone who exhibits Narcissistic behaviors can one truly know the extent of the disorder.It has taken ¼ of a century to dig deeper into the subconscious of this person who simplified, believes ‘The World revolves around him’.  That is the most basic definition of Narcissism.  In some circles it can be humorous.  For the families of the Narcissist it can be difficult.  If the Narcissist has any sense of humor, then it can be dealt with in ’The jokes on him’ type of situation. As long as the Narcissist is the center of attention, then life can go on.What caused this Narcissistic behavior?  It has taken many hours of talking and digging to discover what I believe to be the root of the problem.  In the process, creating yet another life that exhibits some of the same behaviors, which I will cover later.The Cause:He was born the last child.  The ‘final’ child of a mother who was going through the ‘change’ of life, who had already bore 5 previous children, making him the 6th.  The first child died in infancy.  He was the 2nd male child.  The older one, 12 at the time of his birth.  His oldest surviving sister was pregnant with her first child and became resentful of his birth, taking away the glory of the first grand child within the family.  Another older sister had married as well and was living away from home, not yet having any children.His youngest sister was just 2 years older than he was at the time of his birth.  The mother knowing this was her last child would devote herself to this baby.  He was told he never cried.  Since his mother is not alive at this time, I cannot verify this.  Being a mother myself, I find it hard to believe.  I do believe that he was tended to before his cries could grate on ones nerves.  His parents were older, his mom had less to do with a helpful teenager around, therefore there was no need to leave a baby to cry.As he got older he became a ’cute’ child and was told so, often.  Because he had an older sister (2 years) his behavior rested on her shoulders.  She was left to watch over him, to make sure he never got in trouble and when he did, the blame fell on her.  When someone picked on him, it was up to her to defend him, often getting into trouble herself.  It is spoken with pride when a teacher held him over after school because he had done something wrong and his sister took the teacher to task for attempting to keep him.  She was just doing her ’job’.By the time he reached 10, his eldest brother became sick with a brain tumor.  The care of the sick brother fell upon the mother.  Soon he passed, leaving the young man to be the only remaining son to pass on the family name.  In a very short time he became the ’golden child’, the one who previously could do no wrong.  Now his behavior got worse, each time being bailed out by his parents and quickly forgiven.  Taking responsibility for his behaviors was never expected nor demanded by anyone.  The resentment grew among his remaining sisters and remains today.  Because he had a ‘good heart’ all was forgiven, it was believed that he never meant to do any harm.By the time I met this man, he was well set into his ways.  The Narcissistic behaviors clearly ingrained in him.  Because I was not familiar with the definition, this was not clarified until later in life.   Quickly the children became a constant argument between the two of us.  He believed that a child should never be allowed to cry.  I was under the impression that is what babies did, it was their only form of communication.  I was instructed to preempt the cries.  This became a quest for me, since sometimes babies just want to cry.  The crying got on his nerves and he couldn’t take it.  I quickly became frazzled, imagine trying to determine in a matter of seconds why a baby is crying.  Are they hungry?  Are they wet?  Are they tired?  When the baby cried in the middle of the night it was me who had to attend to the child and quickly, so he wasn’t disturbed.  Keep in mind ‘The world revolves around the Narcissist’, so everything that needed to be done was left upon my shoulders.  If the children needed tending, it was my responsibility.  If he needed to find something, it fell upon my shoulders to do so.  I was kept pretty busy at this time tending to everyone’s needs that often mine went unmet.Soon the second child became old enough that I was no longer up in the middle of the night running around frazzled.  My home had to be kept neat as a pin because it was demanded of me. I was not finished with having children, I wanted to be surrounded by them.  We began our quest for a girl this time.  By the time the 2nd child was 4, well beyond babyhood, I became pregnant.   It was a girl child.  She was a colicky baby, who’s cried were like nails on a chalkboard.  I thought we were getting somewhere when his needs came second to that of the child.  He didn’t mind waiting for dinner while I tended to the baby, in fact it was demanded of me to do so.  She was a very demanding child, being breastfed, the only time she didn’t cry was when she was on the breast.  When she was 6 months old my breasts dried up and she was put on the bottle, her colic stopped instantly.  She quickly became a happy child, a joy to be around.  At the 7 month mark her father decided he wanted to be a Truck Driver, against my wishes.  It would mean he would be gone for long periods of time leaving me to care for the children alone.  But since it was ’his’ world I complied, albeit a little resentfully.  During his training for Truck driving he was to be gone for 6 weeks.  After the 2 week mark we went to an area to visit him.  He felt at that time she was forgetting who he was. She was very close to me, not want to be out of my sight.  I didn’t want him to be resentful of her so I began a mission.  Every time we would go to visit Daddy, or Daddy would come home I would show excitement for her.  Talking to her, being very excited in the process getting her excited to see ’Daddy’.  Before long I was put on the back burner, no longer important in her life.  Daddy became her world.  She would mope when he left, only to get excited when he returned.  He fed on this adoration.  By the time she was 2 was had an additional 2 more children in the home.  Now we were up to 5.  The other kids were excited to see Daddy when he came home but the middle child demanded his attention, getting it.  She didn’t allow the others to sit on his lap, sit next to him or get any of his attention.   She was ’cute’ being told so on a daily basis, more so when others were around.  Most children are cute, the things they do just adorable, she was no exception.  His friends thought she was a doll when she called him ’Honey’ rather than ‘Daddy’, mimicking me.  Those that never wanted children were now considering them, witnessing the idolization.  He reveled in this devotion.  She very quickly became the ’golden child’, when he was around none of her bad behaviors had any consequences.       Gradually, as she grew her behaviors got worse, each time being excused with ‘well she has a good heart’, rarely being told ’No’ by the one who needed to do so the most.   It became a task for me to try and correct these behaviors during his absences.  She quickly became confused on how she was to behave.  When he was around she got away with things that were normally taboo.  If I attempted to correct her I was quickly admonished.  She was a smart child, so eventually she knew when to misbehave and when not to.As it will happen with a Narcissistic child they do get into trouble, in their teen years, realizing that there are no consequences for their behavior.  They will be bailed out, providing the law isn’t involved too deeply, they may come out unscathed.Due to many conversations with this child since she has become an adult, she is now aware of herself and her behaviors.  She also has children of her own.  Her greatest fear is that her children will exhibit the Narcissistic Behaviors.  The other children from my home also have children of their own, they too fear this.  They are taking measures to insure that none of them become Narcissists.  How are they doing this?The Prevention:First the babies are allowed to cry.  This is an important key in child rearing.  Children need to cry, to vent their frustrations.  As a person who can speak, do you ever just feel like yelling? This is what babies do.  When they aren’t hungry, have dry diapers, aren’t sick yet cry, it’s because they want to.  When they do cry, it’s ok to let them cry a little while, because they learn that their every need isn’t met instantly.  All children are born with an ‘id’ complex (Freud), demanding that their basic needs are met.  As good parents we insure that those needs are met, in a timely fashion.  In creating a Narcissist those needs are preempted, or attended to, the instant they are needed or demanded.  In most households one of the first words learned is ‘No’.  By the time a child starts toddling around and touching things they should be told ‘No’.  If the offending object could cause harm then it should be removed, other than that ’No’ needs to be used quickly and often.Consequences of behavior.  This is a must in preventing a Narcissist.  I am not here to tell you how to raise your child, the consequences must be something you are comfortable with, just as long as there are some.Every child must be loved and told they are beautiful.  Letting them get away with something because they are ’cute’ will only cause problems in the future.  Vanity will become something they value, if not attended to early on in life.Let a child figure things out for themselves.  Rather than you build the block house for them while they watch, let them do it.  If they make a mistake, you can show them the correct way to do it.  Using positive phrases is a must, but don’t over do it.  They will seek constant admiration and attention if over done.  When something is done that is wonderful, giving praise is important.  Gushing or over praising what a child has done will cause exaggeration of their talents.  Ex; potty training.  When they go the first few times, clapping and saying ‘good job’ is important.  By the time they have went 100 times if you are still clapping over what a wonderful ‘poopie’ they have made, they will come to believe that them doing something as simple as going to the bathroom is cause for celebration. When speaking of the child’s accomplishments to others, in front of the child, be sure not to over do it.  State that you’re proud, what they have done and go on to the next conversation.   If you really feel the need to gush make certain that the child is not around to hear it.  Being too boastful of a child’s achievements will cause them to feel as though they are better than others and no one can compete with their wonderfulness. If you as a parent and your spouse or significant other have differences in opinions of how to raise your child, do not argue in front of the child.  Take it to another room.  The child will quickly learn to manipulate situations, and take advantage of what they perceive as the ‘weaker’ parent.   With one parent being strict and the other lenient this can cause an imbalance with the child’s feelings being easily hurt.  On one hand their told they are wonderful and nothing they do is wrong, on the other everything they do is wrong and nothing right.  If there are other children in the home, the ‘golden child’ will be resented.  ’They get everything they want’ will be what the others feel.  This will also hurt the Narcissistic child, because they won’t understand why they aren’t adored or doted upon by everyone in the home.  They may eventually seek adoration outside the home in the form of unhealthy relationships.If the child becomes ‘doted’ upon, giving in to their every need or want, they will soon feel as though they are entitled.  Entitlement means something that is felt they have a right to do.  Such as hitting another child because they were made angry by said child.Attending to yourself as a parent is something that also must be done.  Never to an extreme, you must find a balance between attending to your needs as well as your child’s.  They must realize that there is a world that they live in rather than the world living for them.   In Conculsion:With raising 5 children to adulthood and only one exhibiting Narcissistic behaviors, due to circumstances of their upbringing of which I have outlined. I truly believe that Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Behavior can be prevented if tempered with the proper parenting skills proposed above.