Healing a Rift
Most of the time in life - life happens. We go on about our own business without thought of others, living our own life. This is as it should be - to a certain extent. It when we do things in our own life that others don't like that rifts can happen. Family members begin to bicker with one another, causing the rift to widen sometimes seeming as large as the Ocean, never to be healed. Most of the time family members are pushed aside while life goes on. Then something tragic happens. The bickering gets worse, more intense with accusations flying back and forth, the heart of the matter gets forgotten in the accusations. Feelings are hurt, hearts are broken even more. Sometimes you may have a little time left to heal those rifts before they are permanently fixed and set. Generally the illness of a parent or loved one can either fix a rift or widen it. I will give you an example of my loved one who decided to begin building the bridge, eventually we met in the middle. My Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer - she was to receive treatment, but the prognosis wasn't good. It would buy her a few more months, nothing more. My brother who had lived his life the way he saw fit spent most of his adulthood away from home. My Mother spent a lot of time crying from his absence in her life, thinking that she had done something wrong, that he didn't love her. Yes there was anger, anger from me wondering just 'how' he could do this to his mother. Anger at how he could miss out on the life of his extended family. Anger that we missed out on his life as well. He was hiding from our world, he was doing things in his life that he knew we wouldn't approve of. That was his life. He didn't feel we belonged in it. When the diagnosis came in, I knew that he would have one last chance to 'fix' things between him and his mother. So I took it upon myself to find him and be the bearer of bad news. He stepped up to the plate. He let his work know what was going on, that he would be absent from time to time. They couldn't accept this news, he did the only thing he could. He quit his job. Since he didn't have a car or even a driver's license he had to depend on us to help him out with traveling. We picked him up and dropped him off at my mother's for a week at a time, so he could help her out. He and I took turns caring for her. He still had other obligations at his home he had to take care of, so getting him back home was important. He did his best, putting his life on hold to be with our mother during her time of need. He felt as I did that she was there for us, it was time for us to be there for her. The rift began to heal. The more time he spent with her the more talking they did and managed to bridge the gap of years spent apart. We were all part of this, we all learned to love each other once again. It was bittersweet time for all of us, having my brother back in our life yet knowing we were losing our mother/grandmother. We all dealt with our grief while she was alive, this way we could handle her passing much easier. It has been 5 long - yet short years since her passing yet we still keep in touch, realizing that life is too short not to stay connected. Not everyone is afforded this opportunity. Should the opportunity arise for you to heal those rifts, embrace them. All it takes is for one person to extend a hand and the other to accept it. Dealing with the guilt of years that has passed during these rifts will be much easier with a helping hand and open arms. Putting aside petty differences to bring out during a rational discussion will help as well. If the rational discussion cannot happen, let it go. Who cares if so and so did something to someone 20 years ago that caused anger. It's done, it's over its gone. Your piggy bank money has been replaced, your necklace has been long tarnished, your bicycle has been replaced with a new and better one. The years wasted cannot be brought back, but new years can be had. I am not an expert but from what I have read, guilt will wreak havoc on a person, their behavior will be destructive. The life they live will be wasted. Ending the rift and absolving the guilt will help them go on to live a more normal life, one that may include you. In life we are never guaranteed tomorrow, make the most of today. Fix those rifts and let the healing begin. Why spend the rest of your life wishing that you could have made things better when today is open? Pick up the phone, write the letter, make the visit that could change your life for the better. Dissolve the guilt that resides within. Tomorrow may never come.
