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Do Not Enter (my heart)

I have an inability to let people be a part of my life. We can be friends, even more, but I'll still shut you out to some extent. While this is an awesome defense mechanism as it prevents me from getting too close to anyone, it also makes me alone. There's not a single person on this planet who knows any of my "deepest secrets" or I've allowed myself to establish an intense emotional bond with. My brother is the only person who's death I could honestly say would devastate me entirely, and that's not because he knows me, but rather that I know him, and he's been there for me in times when I thought I had nothing. He's my backup plan, I guess. The unconditional paternal sort of love that I never felt from my father mixed with the male friendship kind of love that could never lead to heartbreak. But aside from him, I would be fine without any other individual. 

I don't know how I've come to be so walled up. My relationship with my parents has been poor since I was a kid, just about to enter preteendom. I've always had a best friend, but never consistently the same person. Secrets have always delighted me, escpecially having a whole storehouse of them from all sorts of people. I suppose as I realized how foolish some people were in exposing their secrets, I learned to be careful with mine. My parents many times lost my trust, leading me to cut them off from a lot of my personal life from a young age. This has only increased over the years, where I now find myself hardly on speaking terms with them. [

I guess there's three main relationships that I can't ever fulfill to the extent at which I desire due to my stupidity in being so secure. As stated, my parents. I wish for a happy family; the unrealistic kind you see in movies. I always assumed such families weren't present in reality, which was why mine was such a mess, but apparently they do in fact exist. I wish I could have critical, rational discussions with my parents, having them hear me out and contribute their ideas. I wish I could have girls nights with my mom and tell her my silly crushes and giggle with her and just be friends. I wish I didn't cringe away every time my dad tried to touch me because his actions fail to support his claimed love for me. So many things I can only dream of. I must add that the dysfunction in my family isn't solely because of me. It's actually mostly my dad, but it's affected me in ways that have only led me to be increasingly closed off from my parents.

How about a best friend? I'd love one of those. I have best friends, and I love them, but while they tell me every aspect of their lives, I find myself hiding influential parts of mine. You get bits and peices, but you'll never know all of me. Part of this is because I've worked so hard to maintain friends that will have a good influence on me that they would hardcore judge me if they knew some things. And then my badder friends are usually mouthier and couldn't be trusted with risky information. So I guess I'll just keep it all to myself! Awesome..

And of course, relationships!! Woooo, the killer of them all. I just can't. I cannot relationship. You may be my boyfriend, but that just freaks me out into a state of complete introversy. Normal girls open up to their boyfriends, on a variety of levels; emotional, physical, mental. And then there's me, who's like "Hey, I'm crazy about you, but if you know me too well, not only can you hurt me more, but you also might change your mind about liking me soooo I'm just gonna shut down". Yep. SUCKS. I hate it. I'm terrified of showing guys who I really am once I develop feelings for them. I have strange beliefs, not in any sort of crazy weird psychotic way, I just like to be open minded and find simplicity everywhere and it's not how normal people are. And emotions? Oh gosh. I really don't want to be that clingy girl, so I just deny that I have them. I may be internally decaying from lack of attention, but you'll probably never know. Phsycially? Just no. Half the reason you like me is probably just because you're phsycially attracted to me, and I'd hate to ruin that by taking off my makeup or putting my hair in a messy bun. Also, I hate my body, soooo you definitely don't get to love it. No, no. Stay out. Kthanks.


I drive myself insane.

I just want to be open and lovable and loved and known.

Not happening..

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