BD at the DMV: Department of Mental Vexation
Celebrating Your BD at the DMV
I spent yesterday afternoon at everyone’s favourite public service office … the DMV - Department of Mental Vexation. My birthday is this week and that auspicious anniversary is crowned this year by my driver’s license needing to be renewed. Oh, joy!!!
Actually it was purely by chance that I even discovered my license was about to expire. I am used to driver’s licenses lasting five years; oh but not here in my new state of residence…you only get four! I happened to be putting my new insurance card in my wallet, which I keep right behind my driver's license; because, if you need one of those cards you typically need the other one too (yeah, sometimes I can be very practical). Having the license out of its little niche in the wallet, something possessed me to take a long gander at it; and low and behold, the dang thing expires this week on my birthday! Not relishing another trip into town, I hurriedly whipped together lunch and headed back to civilization.
Arriving at the DMV I was met by an overflowing parking lot. This was not a promising prelude to the afternoon’s impromptu activity. My spirits lifted as I stepped inside the lobby and found only a dozen or so people in the line. My elation was stymied a little upon seeing only two people working the desks. Oh well, this should be pretty quick; after all, it was just a renewal. Fill out the renewal application, hand over the expiring license, and get a mug shot and thumb print and be on my way.
Oh no…is it ever that simple? No way, not on your life! Trying to stay in line while filling out the application, I had to perform a contortionist’s act trying to hold the application against the wall at an angle that the ink in the pen would continue to flow as I scribbled in the details. Of course, as soon as I got into position, ink flowing and fill in a couple boxes, the line would lurch forward. So I would shuffle along with the crowd, soccer kick my rucksack ahead of me on the floor, then get myself resituated against the wall and start writing again. The wall being textured meant that I couldn’t always write where I ended up after every shuffle down the line. I had to wait until there was one of the heavy gauge posters on the wall so I didn’t have to try to write between the bumps. The pace of the line and placement of the posters worked out pretty nifty. I completed the application just as it was my turn to step away from the wall and up to the stanchion with the little sign saying, “Wait Here For Next Available Examiner”.
My wait at the front of line was short. The next available examiner almost instantly called me to her desk and I handed her my completed application and current license. She asked if I wanted to retain all current endorsements. “Oh yeah! Carry it all forward!! I need and /or want all the trimmings!” My personal “next available examiner” (examiner being the operative word here) then proceeded to hand me a test form to fill out … and then another … and another … and ...well, I was getting a bit perplexed by what was happening with all these tests. It must have shown on my face.
I began a faint protest, “why all the tests?
I have a clean record, no points, no tickets, no accidents ...”
My “next available examiner” explained there was a new rule for commercial licensees that took effect January 01. This new rule required all "professional driver license" renewals to retake all their written exams.
Spirits sinking, as I was definitely not prepared for this turn of event nor the battery of tests ... would I still remember everything from four years ago when I studied and prepared to be examined? I gathered up the ever growing stack of tests - one for general driving privileges, the one for motorcycles, another test for "large" motorcycles (yeah, in this state there is a difference), then there's all the CDL professional exams … well I do have a whole bunch of endorsements on my driver’s license - and headed back over to the "wall" to begin filling them out.
About an hour later, I again stood at the stanchion, all seven tests in hand, waiting for my personal “next available examiner” to summon me back to her desk. After scoring my tests, she looked up and said, “it will be $56.00 cash or check.” Ooh, about double what I had paid four years previous to get my driver's license. Along with the new testing requirement the DMV had mightily increased the license fees! I checked my pockets. Nope! only got $34 and some change. Digging through my rucksack in hopes of finding the checkbook I almost never carry, I feebly mumbled, “is there an ATM nearby?” Apparently, this scenario happens quite frequently. Not really surprised, my personal “next available examiner” smiled back at me and pointed, “go out that door and to the left.” I followed her directions and walked right by it! The ATM was only about five paces from the door.
Returning with a fistful of crisp twenty’s, for the third time I took my position at the stanchion, and waited for my “next available examiner” in order to settle up and get my new license.
Not so fast pal!
First you need an eye test.
“Trust me dahlin’, I really really need the glasses … in fact, if I take off my glasses, I’m so blind I won’t be able to hear what you're saying!” With my glasses on I could both see and hear, I was able to read the 20/15 line on the chart.
Then it was time for portraits. First a shot of my mug, followed by another of my thumb. I smiled big for the camera. My thumb however was nonplused about the whole situation and just laid there quietly on the biometric scanner.
“All done!” my personal next available examiner cheerfully announced while handing me a paper printout …huh?... ummm … very confused here, back home they handed you your brand-spanking new license as soon as you passed the test and shelled out the money ... Excuse me dahlin', " where’s my new license?” Oh, you should get your new license in the mail in about two weeks, just keep this printout with your old license until the new one arrives.
What a let down. I only missed one question out of all seven tests; and after all that, I have to wait two weeks to open my birthday present from the DMV!
