a 2009 celebration
redgage.
thank you. thank you for the support throughout this year's challenge. there have been quite a few of you that have been there since the beginning. you know who you are, and i am glad that you came along for the ride. who would have thought we would make it this far? if any of you placed bets in the redgage office, TIME TO PAY UP!
when i started this challenge i thought i would be posting blogs that got to the deep of things. somewhere along the way, i think i got off track. i got busy with the oxygen grasp that is life. i posted blogs that were sometimes fun to read, but nothing that grabbed at your heart strings. you may or may not have been looking for that, but i thought i was. and to tell you the truth, i have been worried that i lost something inside of me. this would probably be extremely appealing to me, but i don't seem as complete without that part. how funny life can be, though. when i was writing out my heart, i never felt more alone. i was writing, yes. but i was in a space of the heart that never let connections in. i was barely allowed in.
is it wrong for me to want that unknown pain back. is it wrong to want to go back to a part of me i was constantly trying to push down. did i push too far? if i pushed too far, i made a mistake. i want you back. i don't even know exactly know what that means, but i know that the world never made more sense then when it didn't.
the new year is supposed to be a time for reflection. we are supposed to look back at the past year and determine how we will adapt to the upcoming year. i don't look back at my year as a failure. i look back at my year as a break. a break from that constant pull. the new year never looked so promising, scary, or needed. wherever i go in 2010, there were moments in 2009 where i was part of your reading. there were moments in 2009 where you and i were strangers on a similar path. and even if we go into the new year as strangers, we still have the moments from 2009. and if i don't come back in the new year with the same formats, i will come back with a mission. i will come back to remind you why 2009 was a break. i will come back to remind you why my heart will beat a little faster to catch up with my running soul.
i lift my head, close my eyes, and raise my glass in the air. here is to our new year. here is to our year of more moments. here is to what we've been missing.
-and even with the world spinning, we all follow a path. i could use a bit more spin in my life.-
song of the day : death cab for cutie - the new year
i figured finishing off the 365 list with a ben gibbard song was the only way to go. the song just so happens to be about the new year. i like the idea of "not feeling different." how true this can turn out to be. even after a year, i don't feel any different. i think i'm the same complicated person. the only difference is, i've started to forget how to tap into that complication. if i find anything in the new year, i hope that i find what i've been missing.
when the new year rolls around
mark 2009.
*post 365 of 365*
