RedGage

Grandma's Visit
       "Oh, I sure am glad to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother's side). "Now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
       The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
       "He told Mommy that he'd climb the walls if you came to visit," answered the boy.

What's Your Name, Again?
       Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week.
       One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
       Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Hard of Hearing
       Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
       A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
       A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
       Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
       The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart mummer and be careful."

Quotes from Actual Insurance Claims
• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.
• In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
• I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
• I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Pet Parrot
       A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
       The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
       The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

Romance?
       Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
       Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
       A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
       Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
       Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
       Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
       "Where are you going?" she asked.
       "To the bathroom to get my teeth," he replied.



He died of what? Doctor's true story.
       One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Hard of Hearing
       An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
       "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal onversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
       So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
       "Honey, what's for supper?"
       No response.
       So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
       No response.
       So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
       No response.
       On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".
       No response.
       So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
       "For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

George Carlin sez...
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam."

Old Wisdom
       After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up. Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
       He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
       The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."
       Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.

Wrong Color Suit
       An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
       The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
       The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
       When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
       "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
       Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
       "After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."

Three Elderly Sisters
       Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
       The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
       The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Quiz: How Old Are You Really?
From the following list of 25 items, count all the ones that you remember -- not the ones you were told about! How to score yourself is at the end.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar-water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda-pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (e.g., Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45-RPM records ... and 78-RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi systems
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Rollerskate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-in theaters
24. Studebakers
25. Washtub wringers