Tips for the Newbie Wife of a Mexican
In just about every email that I get, someone says thanks. Why? 99% of the email I get comes from women who tell me "I feel like I'm reading about my life", "we have so much in common", "Now I know I'm not the only one".
The truth is that I should thank all of these people for letting me know that I'M not the only one.
I've said it before but I'll say it again, every relationship has its problems. The only thing I believe is different about our relationships with Mexicans is that the majority of our problems usually start right from the beginning.
The very first issue most of us encounter is communication because there's a language barrier, then there's the cultural differences, social differences, food, and although some people might think that these things are not that big of a deal; oh yes they are. And if we didn't love the one we're with, we wouldn't work so hard to keep it all together. So what's a newbie to do?
Most women faced with these issues cannot turn to married Mexican women for support because of the language barrier ... so they learn from me and others like me!
Here are a few of my tips for the new wife of a Mexican and if any readers out there are married to a Mexican or a Hispanic, feel free to ad yours too. If you have a blog and are married to someone from Honduras, Gautemala, Ecuador, or even Egypt ... share your experiences. I guarantee that there are thousands of women who appreciate this information :)
(Most of these are generalizations because there are just too many things to list!)
Tip #1: Familiarize Yourself with Loads of Information ...
Chances are that you probably met your husband in the U.S.A. and probably don't know much about the country he's from. Go to the library or search around online to find information about things that interest you.
I was amazed to find out about some of Mexico's holidays like the Day of the Dead ... who knew?!
This is probably the easiest tip out of all. If knowledge is power then you'll have a lot of information from this research that will answer lots of questions in your mind automatically.
Tip #2: Dealing with Food Differences ...
OMG! I really hate to write about this but I have to do it. Newbies don't feel bad when you cook a perfect meal that you believe is fit for a king and your husband doesn't seem to be impressed or even says he don't like. It will happen.
I can remember a dinner I prepared once with fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, garden fresh green beans, and hot buttery biscuits. I worked really hard to make everything perfect. I grew up in Kentucky and my grandmother would often cook something like this on Sundays after church so to me this was pretty good eats.
My husband fried up an egg and heated up some corn tortillas to eat with the chicken. Out of the entire meal all he wanted was the chicken and I felt so bad that I just wanted to choke him.
I didn't understand the whole food thing until I went to Mexico. It's needless to say that I would probably be one skinny bitch if I had to move to Mexico. I don't care how much you enjoy eating at the local Mexican restaurant because nothing tastes the same in Mexico. I ordered a hamburger a couple of times that I was able to stomach over there only because I was starving.
It's really hard for someone to adjust to different food.
I did like some of the food in Mexico but not nearly as much as I like the food I grew up with here in the states. My husband is the same and I completely understand. At the same time it was hard for me to cook food for him that I had no experience with and often times didn't even know what the concoction should taste like, which is why newbies should understand that creative cooking is the best alternative.
Ask any wife and they'll tell you that they have created lots of dishes from experimentation.
At first I played around with meats, salsas, different types of chiles, flavored tomato sauces, and then I moved on to soups. I had to find things that he and I both could eat because I didn't wanna cook one thing for him and another for me. Sometimes we don't eat the same thing but we still eat together. I've invented a lot of dishes that my husband even brags about to all of his friends. I was really excited when a Mexican wife asked me at a party how to prepare a dish I invented.
I know this is a big difference but wives shouldn't let it get 'em down, just work on it.
Tip #3: Grasping the Role of Wife ...
I was totally confused with what I was supposed to be or how I was supposed to act until I realized that I had to somehow associate with a Mexican woman. I decided to observe the most important woman in my Mexican's life; good ole Mom!
I think this is actually one of my most clever ideas because even though the Mexican's mom is traditional in a lot of ways, she's also anything but when she needs to be. Paying attention to her has helped me get my way easily. A good example of this has got to be our finances. When two people get married, someone has to handle the money and if one person isn't good with money then the other person should take care of the money. In our case that's me.
My husband will say that I spend money like water but I think he does. I wanted control of our finances but every time we talked about money, it ended up being an argument until one day I finally convinced him that he should let me try. How did I do that you ask?
Because the Mexican's mom controls the money at her house in Mexico ... as should I in mine.
I think every wife should know her role in the relationship and it's hard to etablish that role with everything else in the way. A lot of women, in the sake of respecting a culture, tend to make the mistake of losing their own sense. Being yourself and being considerate are two different things; you don't want to change who you are. Be yourself and also cling to the things that are important to you.
Tip #4: Dealing with Hispanic Temperment ...
If there's one thing I've ever learned the hard way it has to be my husband's odd temperment. I say it's odd because he's different from anyone I've ever had a romantic relationship with and I've noticed the same with husband's of others that I've observed.
Sometimes I think that he gets angered by stupid things but the truth is, those things that are stupid to me are important to him. I've had to learn to respect his feelings no matter how I feel about the situation because we were brought up differently and vice versa.
A good example of something I think is pretty stupid is how my husband gets upset if I'm at a friend's house when he gets off from work. If I went to a friend's house during the day while he's at work then he would be fine with that. He doesn't get upset because he wants me to come home and cook or anything. It's something else.
My house could be spotless and I could have a week's worth of food in the fridge; if I'm not home when he gets home it's a guaranteed that he'll be ticked off. I guess I can't understand this because it wouldn't bother me if he did it, but it bothers him and I try to respect his wishes even though I don't quite understand what the big deal is.
Some women may think that this is a bit sexist because it sounds like my husband believes that a woman's place is in the home or something but that's not it. He just wants his family time and I've realized that I like it when he wants me home. I've also learned that this is common with Mexican men.
Another common thread is that most wives ask their husband for permission and my husband expects the same from me. What most people probably don't know is that my husband also asks me for permission too. I think this is really traditional and it works for us. In the beginning though it really pissed me off when he expected me to ask if I could go places or do things.
So new wives can expect to find some querky issue that will make their hubby's strut around like a rooster. Don't laugh at 'em! Sacrifices are a part of marriage period and we all make 'em one way or another. It's a small price to pay to keep hubby happy LoL.
Tip #5: Dealing with Cultural Differences ...
One of the biggest differences I've adjusted to has got to be the number of people in our lives. I have never had sooooo many people in my life before but it's not a bad thing. At first it annoyed me a lil when we had to have a party for everything; invite tons of people, spend tons of money feeding them, and hours cleaning the mess they left behind. I wasn't a fan of the music that had to be played the whole time either!
Over the years all of these lil gatherings have payed off in so many ways. One benefit is the friendships we've built. Even if I only see a quarter of these people twice a year I can still call them up any day of the week to ask for a favor and they are always willing to do whatever they can.
My husband often told me that in Mexico no one needed an invite to go to a party. He said that he and his family attended many parties that they just rode passed and decided to turn around and go to. I know he's telling me the truth because we've done the same thing.
Not every difference will be positive but make sure you recognize the positive ones just as much as the negative ones.
The Mexican and I have also had issues about the discipline of our children. We are continually working on that because the Mexican's parents just didn't discipline their children much. It's a constant issue in our house.
Another thing that urks me is that my husband's sister (17/18 yrs. old) isn't allowed to leave the house without a member of the family with her but all the boys run wild. My husband was a traditional thinker, like his father, and I had to battle with that in the beginning too.
Now if I wanna go to Wal-mart at midnight, it's okay. My husband understands that women in the U.S.A. are different. Thank God. Both the husband and the wife have to be ready to accept the differences.
Tip #6: Learning the Language ...
I don't care how many times someone says that we're in America and we need to speak English ... that's not entirely true. When you are married to someone from another culture you either learn the language or you depend on someone else who may or may not be able to effectively translate your words to the rest of the family back home.
That's if you want a relationship with the family abroad. I know that family is very important to my husband, therefore they are important to me and I didn't want someone to translate for me. I just don't believe that anyone else can better express my feelings vocally other than me.
So what's the solution? Read, write, and listen. There really is no other way than to just dive in.
Identify your environment, literally. Use index cards to label things in your home; in the kitchen, in the livingroom, and all around. If your learning Spanish then concentrate on the -ar verbs.
I started out learning language in groups (days of the week, months of the year) and words that sounded the same in English, like emergency and emergencia. If your spouse speaks limited English, the best way to handle the language curve is to learn together. It's more fun!
Tip #7: Immigration Policy and USCIS
I only touch base on this because there are a lot of Mexicans in the U.S. without proper documentation and if you marry one of them, it's a nightmare. Years ago a Mexican adjusting status didn't have to leave the country to do so. That was then!
Now it is a requirement that the applicant travel to Mexico and could end up staying in Mexico for months to complete the process. This is one of those things that just comes along with the territory unfortunately and should not be the way that it is. It's extremely hard on families but something you must be prepared to deal with.
In my opinion the risk of the consular process if far less than just living undocumented and risking deportation while waiting for laws to change. That's just my opinion too.
The decision to apply is a personal choice that should be evaluated by husband and wife. The decision should be made jointly because it will involve a great deal of hard work and sacrifice from and for both.
Tip #8: Experiment and Do What Works for You ...
Don't be afraid to think outside of the box. Every relationship is different and only you know what will work best for you and your husband. You may find a thing or two from my tips that will mean something in your relationship, but don't be afraid to experiment with your own ideas.
And Lastly ...
There are a lot of things I didn't touch base on. I've dated Mexicans who are extremely jealous and my husband is to an extent. My husband and I would argue in the beginning about the way I talked with his friends. He believed that if I joked around with them a lot that these men believed I had the hots for them.
When one made a move on me, I found out that Mexican men don't need much encouragement at all. I find this to be a flaw because I'm not the kind of person who likes to watch my p's and q's. Considering that most men in Mexico learn about sex by watching las novelas (the soap operas), it's not surprising how a simple smile could be mistaken as a smitten I want you signal.
I think it's also important to be careful while learning all of this stuff!
My husband was extremely impressed when I went as far as to learn about the history of Mexico, the Aztec traditions, the Spanish rule, and the events surrounding the revolution. He was equally impressed when I would show off my Spanish speaking skills but he also gets a lil upset with my new found knowledge because sometimes he wants to feel important too.
Don't become so intrigued with the culture that you forget the reason you became interested in it to begin with. Don't forget to love your husband and when the going gets tough, remember, the tough get going. If you and your husband love each other and are committed, you can handle all of the wierd things that will likely plague your relationship in the first five years.
Good luck and have fun because dealing with these things is just half the fun of being married to a Mexican ... :)
