RedGage

Here is a list of some of my all time favorite jokes, quotes and sayings.

1. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there - George Burns
2. We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching TV by candlelight - Milton Berle
3. Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water - W. C. Fields
4. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. - W. C. Fields
5. Ahh, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler -W. C. Fields
6. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho
7. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five - Groucho
8. Go, and never darken my towels again - Groucho Marx
9. Why, I'd horse whip you if I had a horse - Groucho Marx
10. Room service? Send up a larger room - Groucho Marx
11. Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read - Groucho
12. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him - Groucho
13. She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon - Groucho Marx
14. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you got it made - Groucho
15. Those are my principles, and if you don't like them, I have others - Groucho Marx
16. My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad... but New York City? - Youngman
17. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip - Youngman
18. I told the doctor I broke my leg in 2 places. He told me to quit going to those places - Youngman
19. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading - Henny Youngman
20. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back - Henny Youngman
21. A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months - Youngman
22. Who picks your clothes, Stevie Wonder? - Don Rickles
23. I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself - Carson
24. My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend - Dangerfield
25. If it wasn't for pick pockets I'd have no sex life at all - Rodney Dangerfield
26. I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot - Rodney Dangerfield
27. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face - Dangerfield  
28. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too - Dangerfield
29. Yes, I know I'm ugly, I said to a bartender, Make me a zombie. He said: God beat me to it -Dangerfield
30. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem - Jerry Seinfeld
31. Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us -Seinfeld
32. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to -Jerry Seinfeld
33. Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults - Mitch Hedberg
34. I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too - Mitch Hedberg
35. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer - Mitch Hedberg
36. I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy - Hedberg
37. Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something - Mitch Hedberg
38. I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs - Mitch Hedberg
39. I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me - Hedberg
40. When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away - Mitch Hedberg
41. I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing Happy Birthday - Steven Wright
42. I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance - Steven Wright
43. I busted a mirror and got 7 years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5 - Steven Wright
44. If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny - Steven Wright
45. Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died - Steven Wright
46. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect - Steven Wright
47. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol - Steven Wright
48. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me: Did you sleep good? I said: No, I made a few mistakes - Steven Wright
49. I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific - Wright
50. In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number - Steven Wright