RedGage

Were you just standing in the wrong line when they were handing out will power? Not too likely. Do you have some deep, subconscious desire to not lose weight that compels you to sabotage yourself? Possibly, but probably not. Most likely, the problem is that you went on a toxic guilt trip.
The Difference Between Healthy Guilt & Toxic Guilt
It lets you know when you're letting yourself (or someone else) down, and reminds you that your impulses are not the most important things in the universe. But there's guilt, and then there's GUILT.

The main difference between healthy guilt and its toxic cousin is a matter of when you feel it. Appropriate guilt is the kind you feel before you do something you don't want to do, while things are still in the thinking-about-it stage and there is still a chance you can choose not to do the thing that makes you feel guilty.

The psychologists refer to this as having a conscience, and it is a very helpful thing. It's so helpful that it always amazes me that you hear so little about it in discussions about weight loss.

Most of us have a good conscience when it comes to treating other people decently-we routinely expect it of ourselves and others. But when it comes to treating ourselves decently by eating well and exercising and refusing to verbally abuse ourselves when we aren't perfect...POOF! The most powerful weapon you have in your arsenal for getting yourself to act the way you want to suddenly becomes off-limits.

This might not be such a bad thing, if it meant you could get rid of the disabling, toxic guilt that comes with having an overactive, perfectionistic conscience. But that's not what happens. In fact, just the opposite happens.

When you routinely push aside the little voice in your head that tells you, for your own sake, that you may want to think twice about eating that candy or double cheeseburger, it doesn't go away. It just moves a couple of steps further down the chain of events and gets even louder. Now, instead of hearing that voice before you act, you don't hear it until after you've already done the thing you might not really have wanted to do. Instead of a gentle voice reminding you to think before you act, it's screaming at you about what you already did wrong and what a jerk you are. This compels you to spend way too much time worrying about why you keep doing this sort of thing, and getting down on yourself to the point that you become your own worst enemy. This is toxic guilt, and it is not your friend.

End the Toxic Guilt Trip: Exercise Your Healthy Lifestyle Conscience

Fortunately, the solution to the problem of toxic guilt is really quite simple, at least in theory. All you have to do are three simple things:

1. When that quiet, nagging voice in your head starts saying that you are about to do something it doesn't approve of, listen to it. Stop what you're doing for a few moments to ask yourself, "Is this what I really want to do?"

2. If you agree with the voice, decide not do the thing in question. If you disagree, decide to do it. And if you're not sure (or if you halfway want to and halfway don't), try to postpone your decision (and action) until you've had a chance to sort things out a little more.

3. After you've made your decision, act! Then take a few more seconds to notice how you feel about what you just did. Nothing fancy here, no psychoanalyzing yourself, no reading yourself the riot act if you didn't do what you wanted. Just note what you decided, what you actually did, and how you felt afterwards. File this in the memory banks for future reference.
Now, you could be sitting there right now saying to yourself, "What the heck is this guy talking about? The whole problem is that I never hear that little voice until after the fact. The minute I see those candies, or smell that cheeseburger cooking, I go on autopilot and stuff it in my mouth."

This is NOT true. The little voice is there, you just aren't hearing it because you're more accustomed to your louder toxic guilt.

To train yourself to hear the little voice before it's too late, just keep practicing the three steps above until it becomes second nature to STOP and ASK yourself what you really want to do before you act. Once your conscience knows you are making the effort to listen again, it will move back up to its proper place in the chain of events.

If you find this very hard to do, you may also need to work on staying grounded in the moment and managing the particular situations that trigger mindless eating for you.

You've gone over your calories for the day or eaten something on your "forbidden" list. You figure that since you've blown your diet, you might as well keep on eating and start over tomorrow. You keep eating, but despise yourself for it.

You've done well all week, but the scale says you've gained a pound. You panic, feeling certain that you're doomed to be fat forever.

You set the alarm an hour early to exercise, but hit snooze. Feeling like a lazy slug, you wonder if you have any willpower to do what you know you need to.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar to you?

The tendency to leap from minor, trivial problems to overblown, unrealistic conclusions is something that everyone struggles with to some degree. This type of negative thinking is one of the biggest reasons that people have difficulty sticking to their weight loss plan-and why small problems can cause stress and misery that is often avoidable.

Of course, there are dozens of deep, psychological reasons why individuals get caught up in this negativity. But you don't have to know why you do it to stop being negative. All you have to do is to take a close look at what you are actually doing and decide to stop doing it for that moment. Here are three techniques you can use to stop all those negative thoughts before they stop you:
1. Look for Hidden Thoughts and Assumptions

The process of moving from an event (like going over your daily calories) to a conclusion about the meaning of that event (I've blown my diet) and what you should do about it (keep eating, start over later), typically involves several more mental steps that you probably aren't aware of. Psychologists call these intermediate steps automatic thoughts because they are habitual, happen quickly, and feel so "right" to us that we don't even notice them.

Although you can't completely prevent automatic thoughts from occurring (after all, they naturally help us make good decisions in a hurry), these thoughts are not always accurate. Chronic negativity about yourself or your situation is a good sign that your automatic thoughts are inaccurate.

Luckily, it's not difficult to learn how to identify your automatic thoughts, figure out if they make sense, and change the ones that aren't working for you. The first step is to develop the habit of asking yourself: "What would have to be true in order for the negative conclusion I reached to be justified?"

For example, what would have to be true in order for going over your calorie limit to mean that you've "blown" your diet? Wouldn't it have to be true that your diet is a one-day event that requires a perfect performance on your part? You know that's not the case.
2. Learn to Argue with Yourself

Once you recognize some of your automatic thoughts, you can inspect them and, if necessary, argue with them. The flaw in the above example is pretty obvious: Permanent weight loss is not a short-term project, and doesn't require perfection. But sometimes the flaw or assumption won't be as obvious. If that's the case, then you may need to do some investigating.

Before you jump to conclusions or attack your own character, ask yourself a few basic questions:

* If someone I respect did exactly what I did, would I come to the same conclusion about them that I'm coming to about myself?
* If someone came to me asking for advice about how to deal with this problem, what would I say to them? Would I tell them it's a lost cause?
* How does my conclusion help solve the problem? Does deciding that I'm a "lazy slug" without willpower empower me or enable me to do better next time? What thoughts would do that?
* Is this a problem that lots of people have or am I the only one facing it? What do other people think or do when they run into this problem?
* Is this problem a general pattern in my life or am I blowing one incident out of proportion? Are there times when I do well at things that clearly require willpower and self-discipline-like going to work every day and taking care of my family?
* Have I put the same amount of time and effort into thinking about solutions as I have into listing the problems?

The more of these questions that you ask yourself, the more easily you'll be able to spot-and correct-your negative automatic thoughts that are lurking underneath your tendency to assume the worst whenever things don't go the way you planned.
3. Do What Doesn't Come Naturally

One reason that negative thoughts become so automatic and pervasive in our minds is that they are consistent with our typical feelings. If you find yourself jumping to negative conclusions about yourself, your abilities, and your options and opportunities, it's probably because that feels "right" and comfortable to you.

This doesn't mean you have to figure out why it feels "right" to feel bad about yourself. Again, you'll simply respond better to doing things differently, rather than spending hours rooting through emotional baggage.

Changing those negative thoughts and judgments into realistic and reasonable ones is going to feel uncomfortable and unnatural. In fact, feeling uncomfortable is probably a good sign that this is exactly what you need to be doing to get past your problems.

So when you're unsure about what the problem is, your best bet is to do what doesn't come naturally. When you find yourself arriving at a negative conclusion about you or your situation, stop thinking that and start thinking the exact opposite. If you're thinking that there's something fundamentally wrong with you, tell yourself the problem is in the situation-not in you-and look for ways to change the situation. If you think you're "doomed to be fat forever," tell yourself that success is unavoidable if you want it; if you're feeling like a "lazy slug," tell yourself that your "true self" really does want to exercise. You get the idea.

No matter how big, bad or scary the problem seems, you're always just one thought away from turning it into an opportunity for change, growth and progress. All you have to do is find that thought.

While many of us have an easy time showering other people with love, we find that Cupid has yet to hit us with the "body love" arrow. Don't wait for Cupid! Begin today to start appreciating, accepting and yes, even loving your body.

Stop picking yourself apart
Let's face it: No matter how close-to-perfection body you have (and just what is the perfect body anyway?), chances are, there is something you would change about it if you could. Even celebrities and models who have been stamped with the media's "perfect body" rating have parts they dislike - their feet, their hands, their ears - and they don't necessarily have high self-esteem either! Rather than pick your body apart, look at your body as a whole (and read the next point)

Consider the marvelous functions of your body
There are millions of microscopic functions that go on in our bodies every day, and you don't even have to think about them. They just happen! Unfortunately, it often takes a crisis or a tragedy, such as a brush with death, a go-around with a disease, or a debilitating accident for some women to realize that their bodies weren't so bad to begin with and that their body hang-ups were a big waste of time. Don't let that be the case with you! How much time are you spending each day worrying about your weight, your body shape, the size of your rear? What could you be doing during that time? Maybe you're supposed to be the first female president, but you'll never know because you're too busy obsessing about your abs!
Get real
Did you know that most of the images you see on television, movies and magazines aren't even real? A model for a magazine cover goes through hours of professional hair and make-up, has professional stylists, top photographers who know her "best side," professional lighting, and that's all before the chosen photo goes to a company where they remove stray hairs, wrinkles, blemishes and "extra" curves. Sometimes Model A's head is stuck onto Model B's body. What you see is totally made up!

And it's not just fashion magazines that are creating a fantasy. Most of today's "fitness" magazines are following suit. On top of airbrushing and computer generating their models, fitness magazines now need to audition their models to be sure they're strong enough to just do basic exercises! Muscles are even airbrushed in! It's time to get real! Find real role models who emanate the qualities you desire. Educate yourself about what really goes on "behind the scenes." And realize that no one naturally "glows" the way those models in the magazines do!

Change your inner dialogue
It's been said that we teach others how to treat us. If we believe that, the message that comes across to others is that we are not worth being liked, loved, or treated with respect. Most of it comes from what we're not even saying. Choose to believe that you are worth taking care of and that you have the right to be respected and treated with dignity - and act like it!

Take care of your body
Diets, pills, quick-fixes, binging, not exercising, over-exercising, all these things disrespect one of the greatest gifts you have been given - your body! You only get one per lifetime, so give it the respect it deserves. You will not only feelbetter , but you just might become someone else's role model!

You're a parent, school volunteer, Little League coach, and trusted assistant to your boss. You've been up since 6 a.m., made breakfast, packedlunches , cleaned the house, chauffeured the neighborhood kids, helped with homework, read bedtime stories, and finished extra work from the office.It's 11:30.You're exhausted.And, in about six-and-a-half hours you'll begin the whole 24-hour cycle again.

If you find yourself saying 'Stop the merry-go-round, I want to get off!' you're not alone. Most of us-especially women, but men too (hey, there are reasons that men die younger than women)-have at some time found ourselves at the bottom of the heap when it comes to taking care of our needs.

The problem with that is that if we don't take care of ourselves, sooner or later we won't be of much use to anyone else-or to ourselves. Just as the airline attendant tells you to put on your own oxygen mask in an emergency before helping a child with theirs, you must take care of your own basic needs before you can attend to the needs of others. What's more, being busy is not necessarily the same as being productive with meaningful activity. (Do the workaholics you know really accomplish that much more in proportion to the time they invest?)

If "putting yourself first" (a common admonition) sounds too selfish or too hard, try something simpler: put yourself on an equal footing with those you love and tend to. Do you insist that they get enough sleep? Start making that a priority for yourself too. Do you give them time for fun and socializing with friends? Then you do the same! Remember Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs: human beings must meet their basic needs before they can move on to higher-level goals. Since most of us already know that we should take care of ourselves-but often have trouble figuring out how to do it, here are some guidelines for getting there:

* Preserve your physical health with adequate sleep, exercise, and nutrition.
* Value your emotional health as much as the physical, with a support system of friends and a willingness to laugh-especially at yourself.
* Schedule fun activities on a regular basis-it's just as important to plan pleasure as it is to plan work.
* Identify "busy behaviors" (or people) that drain your time and energy but aren't really important, then dump 'em, or at least minimize their hold on you.
* Kill two birds with one stone, combining family time with exercise, for example, which benefits everyone involved.
* Try to look at the problems in your life with new eyes to find solutions. If you're a new mom, for instance, see if you can trade childcare with another new mom to get some time for yourself.
* Learn to say "No!" Your "yes" is valuable and should not be automatic. Instead, reserve it for the things that are most important to you.
* Don't try to change every problem area in your life all at once. Start with one or two items, then expand as you get things under control.

Your life should be like a checking account, balancing out on a regular basis so that you always have assets to draw upon. By making even small deposits-taking care of yourself with a 10-minute walk or a nutritious meal-you'll be amazed at the interest you'll reap.

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