hello all.
i love your emails.  i am sorry to not be personal with all of you, but know i love you. 
before i came my father expressed his being afraid that i might see some things that would affect my "soft" heart.
2 nights ago we were invited to dine with the sheik.  the head of the sofi's (soofi).  we are picked up in landcruisers and escorted through the city.  we pass through gates that are protected by the peshmarga.  we are led into a beautiful long room.  the ceiling is colorful, intricately painted, and the windows  are made of blue glass.  there is an american woman (besides us) doing research for a book on religion.  she is in muslim dress.  we are all seated systematically. the conversation is about dialogue.  it is taking forever because it has to be translated.  i am sitting next to the "sheik".  he is fat, smoking, can barely breathe, and is sweating profusely. 
so, i am bored.
i have to pee.
someone comes for me.  i am led by a man with a walkie talkie down a long walkway.  the guards stand as i approach.  when i pass them i am suddenly in a beautiful garden.  the moon is high and the roses sweet.  i am very excited because i just know i am going to be led to a beautiful bathroom.  not so.  it's still a hole in the ground.  but, it has beautiful tile, it doesn't smell, and it has toilet paper!!!!!
i walk back alone.  the guards stand and stare.  i wish for a moment i didn't have to return.  but, alas, i do, and i am an honored guest...
the conversation drones on and on.
soon they are telling us about the sofi religion and the rituals they will perform.  we are allowed to photograph and video anything we want.  my heart is unsure at this point because we have been told of the rituals and shown some footage.  but, i figure i can handle it.  after all it is supposed to be extremely spiritual.
once again we are led outside.  it's an open space.  there is a circle of men.  they are drumming, chanting, and moving their heads from side to side.  my heart is beating and the energy seems a little off to me.  one of the doctor's looks at me and points me to the circle.  i enter the circle walking around filming all the men.  i am so close to them.  i start to notice that it is not only men but boys as well.  i also start to notice what is going on around outside of the circle.  (by the way, the circle is made up of at least 100 men).  outside of the circle, sit women watching, children playing, guards on rooftops, guards all around.  and i am being filmed as i am filming (it's okay because i am now used to feeling like a rockstar-LOL)
the drumming picks up and slows down.
we are led to chairs placed against a wall. 
the men sit in front of us.  the drumming starts along with the singing.  it is very intoxicating. 
tables are set up so that we can have water and soft drinks.  at this point i am starting to feel uneasy.  angry.  i am sitting tall and continuing to film but my stomach is turning.
the drumming.
the singing.
a man stands before with 2 sticks of fire.  he offers them to bill and then to candace to show them that it is real.  he then lays down before us and puts the burning sticks in his mouth.  his mouth is on fire.  his flesh is burning.  he bows before the sheik.
body and soul are not connected.
a man stands before us with a flouresant lightbulb.  he offers it to bill and candace to show them that it is indeed real glass.  he then takes a bite out of it.  he chews it and swallows it as though it is a piece of bread.  he continues this and opens his mouth to show us the blood and the cuts.  he bows before the sheik.
body and soul are not connected.
a man comes before us with knives.  he offers them to bill and candace to show that they are very sharp.  he then opens his mouth, sticks out his tongue and systematically runs the knives across his tongue.  i see the blood, i drop the camera, and hold onto myself.  it takes everything i have not run out of there or not to collapse. 
it continues.  the drumming, the singing, the men.  there are ice picks, spikes, knives.  i am sitting next to the sheik.   i do not look at anyone.  my body and soul are not one.
finally it is over.
we are led back into the beautiful room.  for dessert and tea. 
they want to know what we think.
bill thanks them.  tells them that parts of it were beautiful.
i do also.  but, tell them i have a soft heart.
candace compares it to her cherokee background.  she's good. 
anyways, it's time to go. 
i am the first in the car.  i ask the boy who is driving us if i can look at his cd's.
there is nothing i know except shakira.
bill and i share a love of shakira.
it is the new album and we comment that we must buy it.  of course he takes it out of the player and gives it to us.  we argue.  it does no good.
it is a gift.