When child support turns moms into the bad guy
My ex-husband and I separated 10 years ago. The guilt over my decision to leave, and my inability to afford to take my children into a good home, was enough to allow me to bow before my ex-husbands every whim. I allowed him to dictate what belonging of the children’s I could take, I paid him child support even though he made 6 times as much as I, and I could only afford to sleep on a friend’s couch. I did not take him to court, because he threatened to drag me though the dirt, to make the court process drag out as long as possible, to try and cast me as an unfit mother. Was I unfit? If ten years of making children’s costumes for Halloween, providing their health insurance, volunteering at their schools, arranging their play dates and caring for them when they were ill qualifies a mother for that label… Well, in that case I was unfit as they come.
Basically, I was a doormat throughout my marriage. A history of childhood abuse had given me case of very low self-esteem, and a dominating husband only lent weight to that. It was only years later, after I had gone thru the military, gotten a backbone and rescued my children from a father who had become an alcoholic, that I discovered my backbone. I am not blameless. I did leave for a time, escaped to the Army. Guilt plagues me even now. During the time I was gone, their dad managed to become an alcoholic, become emotionally and verbally abusive to them, and turn my son into a mini-me of his dad. After my return, I resumed my role of before and after school providor, sick day caregiver, their house cleaner. My daughter was very ill, so I spent days on end in the hospital. I tried to work with their dad, make things easier for him, as the kids gradually made up their mind that he wasn’t being a good dad anymore, and moved in with me full time. During this time, I still received no financial support from him. If the kids needed clothes, he would refuse to give me the money to shop for them. Instead, he would force them to go shopping with him. I asked for money for groceries; he told me to write out my menu and he would shop for me. Despite his $60,000 a year job, he let the home that was still in both our names slide (7 times) into foreclosure. Finally, in order to try and save the equity, I refinanced the house into my name. He refused to sign it over unless I gave him a total of $50,000 from the refinance proceeds. I finally went to court, got full custody, and filed for child support. Their father chose not to attend any of these hearings, so I left it to the court to hear my side of the story and decide what was best for the children. They assigned child support according to our income, and I got to pick up the pieces of two emotionally scarred kids. After the hearing, he refused to make any support payments until I did a wage assignment. At that point, he managed 10 payments until he decided to walk out on his job and become a stay at home drunk.
I was unable to refinance the house after the housing slump, and hence “owed” him $25,000. He kept threatening to take me to court, calling us at all hours with his drunken accusations. Since he wasn’t working, and I wasn’t able to receive any financial help from him, we wrote off 2 years of child support to equal out my “debt.” When the two years of his free ride were up, I went back to court and reinstated the order. Immediately he called them to dispute the case. I told him he could file a modification if he couldn’t afford it, but according to CSS, that was the only way to change the court order. Well, he hasn’t taken the time to file. And this is where I become the bad guy… You can plainly see from the email I received from his mom (who gave him her entire retirement to bail out the house 2 of the 7 times he got in foreclosure) that I am a bad guy for making him take care of his children. Not only am I hurting him, but her as well.
Here is where I lost my “sit back and feel sorry for her” stance…
Subject: Help!
To: xxxxxxxxxxx@sbcglobal.net
Date: Friday, June 19, 2009, 12:28 PM
Hi there…
I have a very big favor to ask of you! Apparently the court is taking over $900/month from xxxxxxx’’s income at work. He is only making 1/3 of what he was in Modesto and within 2 months, he will be on the street and not able to make any support payments. My income ($1400/month) is no where near able to support us both. Would you please consider calling who ever and telling them that you “forgive all arears” in child support? He will be able to continue the current requirement ($400 /-), but the supposed “past due” amount should be covered by now, yet they continue taking over $900/month from him.. I will appreciate any help you can give because we are slowly sinking.
Thanks much for hearing my heart. G’ma
My reply:
I have been taking care of the kids with no financial support since February of 2007. Prior to reinstating this child support, he only made 10 child support payments. Some weren’t even full payments, because he missed too much work for them to take the full amount. Prior to receiving that child support, I went for two years taking care of the kids with no help. Even when I was missing weeks of work at a time because of hospitalizations.
The ball is in his court. They are charging an arrears because he delayed having the wages attached. He should have started paying the beginning of the year, but because he delayed everything, they are going back til then. What he needs to do is request a modification of the court order based on his current income. I have already told him that. He has to fill out an income and expense, and send it in with copies of his paystubs. Because child support is court ordered, not privately ordered, they cannot change what is being withheld without a court modification. But no, he cannot be accountable to taking action himself. He couldn’t even bother to show up for mediation or the custody hearing. Why should you expect him to step up now and take care of this?
I am sorry that this is happening to him. I am sorry that for two years, while we lost our home, went without new clothes, while I ate A..’s leftovers when she stayed in the hospital in order to save money, he chose not to work. There were days we drove to San Francisco and came home the last 20 miles with the gas light on.
Darren made his choices. He chose to take advantage of me with the house, and I was stupid enough to think saving the house was worth it, rather than have him just let it go to the bank. Well, the joke is on me. I lost the house anyway because he decided to give up. He negotiated away two years of child support so that he could stay home, wallow in self-pity, drink and play video games all day.
He never took a moment to make life easier for me. He left that house falling apart. The back patio? fallen down against the side of the house.. The roof? Neglected, dry-rotted and full of holes. The master bath he tore out years before? Left unfixed, a gaping hole inthe floor where the shower and toilet used to be. I had to pay to get that fixed. The broken down furniture he didn’t want to take care of.. left behind.. the rotted food in fridge.. left for the kids and I to clean.
He has no one but himself to blame. You and he are not slowly sinking. He is pulling you under. He is using you, just like he did over and over again with the house. Even when he was making $60000 a year, and I had the kids, he still drained you of all you had. Stop enabling him. He can rent a room, lots of single guys so. He only has 9 months to “suffer” because even though he agreed to pay until Ian turns 19, the court order runs out when Ian turns 18. I am sure pigs would fly before he would honor our “contract” without a wage assignment.
I.. plans to live with me for at least a couple years after that, so he can afford school. Who is going to help with that? Bill turns over every cent he makes to me. We are doing everything we can to stay afloat. My car payment was 3 months behind. I didn’t have registration or insurance, neither did Bill. We only now are getting close to getting that caught up. Because of how SSI works, A..’s disability payments do not increase for 3 months after her cost of living increases. So, for May, June and July, we are helping her with food and utilities. He has only made 2 1/2 months payments. The arrears were 4 months, 1900 dollars. His monthly payment, as he agreed to, is half of the original support order. That is $590. So each month $300 is going to past due. If that is too much, let him file for a modification.
I love you, but sorry. Let your son take care of his own life for awhile. All it takes is a little effort on his part.
